Hospitality: Dying to Self in the Process

Before we relocated to New Zealand I hadn't often run across the term hospitality. The word only brought up memories of the years I lived in Orlando, Florida—one of the most touristy towns in one of the most touristy states in America. You know—Disney, Universal, Sea World, Pensacola, Cape Canaveral, Daytona, Miami, Key West, Tampa Bay. Many of my friends were in the hospitality school at my university, preparing to work in the tourist and hotel industry. Some of them even worked part time as Disney characters, manned hotel concierge desks or worked nights as valets. Hospitality to me meant a slick industry that juggled swarms of sweaty tourists and giant property operations. It meant hundreds of thousands of industry employees with well-practiced smiles and neatly pressed uniforms. 

So when my husband and I decided that part of our ministry work here in Christchurch, New Zealand would include running a hospitality house, I was a deer in headlights. Besides my experience of living in a major tourist town in America, the only other thing I could relate to hospitality was this sweet older couple who lived in a modest home in the humid jungle on an island in Fiji. They had hosted myself and my YWAM outreach team back in 2007 for three nights. They had warmly welcomed a group of 14 strangers and didn't say a peep about us taking over their space. I really wasn't sure what it meant for my husband and I to host, or what that would entail. 

Our house belongs to our youth missions organization, and it's being lent to us with the understanding that we can use it as long as we are doing some sort of ministry through it. At this point we've done a variety of things with this space but our consistent undertaking has been hosting travelers, mission teams, YWAM students or staff passing through, and people who need temporary accommodation. Most people or teams are referred to us through friends or our organization, but there have been occasions where we have been able to help strangers in need. 

When we arrived in 2010, not only was I a freshly married woman with a tremendous lack of house managing and guest-hosting under my belt, I was (and still am) a serious introvert who didn't particularly enjoy people, let alone strangers, infringing on my dwelling space. I liked people outside my house. But living in the room next to me? And in some cases for weeks at a time? Taking over my living room and kitchen? Sharing the same toilet? Are you kidding me? This is my cave. Get out! You can imagine that jumping into hosting was certainly a steep learning curve. At this point, we've now been hosting for over three and half years. I can look back on everyone who's stayed under our roof in a photo album I keep for guests. It includes a photo and a short snippet of who they are and why they were passing through. I was reflecting the other day on how much I've been stretched in the process of opening up our home. Here are a few things I've learned (despite learning that I was a bit selfish and inflexible when someone entered into my personal space).

Navigating Introversion
Before hosting, I actually didn't know if I was an introvert or extrovert, probably because I never really looked up the definition of either. I liked people and I've always been very involved in various groups, projects or sports so I thought I was an extrovert. Opening up our home to others—most of whom we imagined to be young, foreign, adventurous—sounded thrilling albiet bewildering. But once we actually began hosting and had to deal with all the little issues that arose it didn't take long for me to identify that I definitely like my personal space, feel drained after too much time in social settings, and recharge during my alone time. The initial anticipated thrill of guests was gone. Introverted I was. Introverted I am. Introverted I will always be. Not only are my husband and I both introverted, but I learned that I am indeed particular about how others use (and abuse!) my things, especially since we are poor missionaries who can't easily replace broken belongings.

Our first team was a group of 20 students and staff who needed accommodation for two weeks. We had arranged for eight to stay with us, and had other friends host the rest. We thought we'd only ever see those eight students, particularly each evening after a day of outreach. What the team failed to actually ask was if it was all right if our house could serve as everyone's "home base" throughout the two weeks—20 people over for daily meals, staff meetings, group prayer & worship time, downtime, etc. Within two days of this I began losing my mind. To top it off, because of a cold, rainy autumn, we ended up having everyone in our home more than we anticipated, making for very long days when they were unable to be out and about.

I have to admit that I was very grumpy with that first team. It was too much chaos, too many messes and too much noise. If you slam that door one more time! I can even recall being slightly snarky at someone for using my personal towel, instead of the hand towel, to dry their hands after washing them (there is only one bathroom and one shower in the house). To handle my frustrations, I remember complaining to my poor husband practically every five minutes. To avoid irritations I often sequestered myself away in my room or left the house instead of getting to know our guests. Looking back I am so embarrassed by how I handled the situation. I was on people-overload and completely lost on how to handle it.

Since then we have hosted 118 more guests. Some were smaller outreach teams (5-10 people). Some were couples, families or individuals. Many were completely respectful while some were not. Throughout this time we quickly concluded that in order to effectively host, we had to embrace what comes with the territory. We learned head on that it was going to be a challenge of dying to self, and that we might as well get used to it. For me especially, I realized that being grumpy at others for invading the space we invited them into was utterly rude... and that offerring grace, kindness, an attentive ear and a welcoming spirit are all keys to hospitality. I am not always great at it, but I am trying. 

Let me just note that I don't want to paint a picture that I've been some horriblely rude person... my grumpiest and most introverted moments were probably with the first team... and generally I've kept frustrations to myself since then. But what God has done has helped soften my heart toward hosting, not just refraining from speaking my mind. He's helped me embrace the task, enjoy the people and learn through the experiences.

In regards to accommodating our introversion, we've learned to handle it differently depending on the length of a guest's stay. We've learned how to allow ourselves "me time". After spending quality time with guests, sometimes we recharge by hiding out in our bedroom to watch a show, sometimes it means a family walk or heading out for the day. We're also learning to simply embrace the time we have with our guests—whether it be a day, a few days or a few weeks—for what they are, and try our best to be present or include them in our activities  Because it's a short time span, we're able to remind ourselves that we will have our personal space back quite soon. 

Yes, You Can Use My Stuff
When you open up your home, you're also inviting people to use your belongings and infringe on the way you do things. When we host mission teams or people who need temporary housing, this means they are cooking, cleaning and relaxing right along side us. They become a short-term house mate. The overnight stays are really easy, but the longer stays mean sharing nearly everything. In time we've had to learn to be OK with this fact. What does help is setting up general guidelines and giving guests a quick run down on how things work to avoid problems. Like how our sink disposal is pretty worthless and clogs easily so please don't throw huge chunks of food into the sink because we can't really afford repair costs right now. Or slamming doors wakes baby so please close doors quietly. It also means being generous with our belongings and overlooking small "offenses". In this, we're reminded that our things are just that—things. They're replaceable if broken. And if a space gets messy, we are learning to serve others by cleaning up after them. 

Another major decision that made things a bit easier was being OK with turning down big teams. Not only is a big team just plain overwhelming for us, but our septic tank literally can't handle it. Our first team actually clogged the pipe line the day they departed, unknowingly leaving us to face a $100 repair bill. Since then we don't take teams bigger than 10 and try to find alternative accommodation for those we can't take.

Trusting God with the Wallet

I think all people struggle with being generous. Even if someone's generous from time to time, most aren't super uncomfortable giving when it hurts. But that's when God usually challenges people; to give when it doesn't make sense to give. And I think that's the test. Trusting Him with our lives, with our finances. We've seen this challenge while living here. Living missionally asks of us to live generously—with our time and our resources. Running a hospitality house means paying for the extra costs incurred from utilities, providing a meal or picking someone up across town when you're low on gas. (We do charge most teams and short-term housemates a minimal fee, as is customary being an extension of the YWAM base, but not everyone falls into this category.) 

Being generous when we don't have much money ourselves was stressful for me in the beginning, but in the last several years, I've learned to let this go. Each time I become concerned, God continues to remind me not to worry. Beyond hosting, this also extends into daily community life with friends. Even though most of our friends are more financially secure than ourselves, we are learning to give and share and provide for others without worrying about our bank account. It's actually a freeing feeling. Mostly because God always keeps us going. He provides. Money always comes through at the right time, through donors, freelance work or spontaneous generosity from our amazing network of friends and family (which also teaches us how to receive). We have seriously dropped our jaw so many times by the way God has provided for our finances throughout our time here. It's been a major lesson in trusting Him. He blesses obedience, this we know for a fact. You give when He asks, and He gives back when you're in need. It's a great system.


Serving When You're Bone Tired
There was this long season after my daughter was born that I had severe insomnia. It was brutal. My daughter was a dream baby and slept through the night fairly quickly and never made a peep. I, on the other hand, could not nap during the day and could not fall asleep until around 5 am every night. In addition to this debilitating and extremely frustrating dilemma, I also had a handful of other odd health issues plaguing me. But the lack of sleep was the worst. After days of it, I felt destroyed. After months, I literally wondered if it was the slow beginning of my death. Death by lack of sleep. It was hard to be a pleasant, helpful wife and mommy (let alone, person!) who accomplished her responsibilities efficiently and happily. It was hard to be a good friend or engage in our ministry projects. It was definitely hard to host people in our home and serve others when I myself just wanted someone to take care of me. 

But one particular day I was deeply challenged in this. I was about to start cooking dinner when I heard some screaming and bickering down the street. This happens every so often in our neighborhood, so it didn't surprise me. We usually investigate in case intervention is needed (domestic violence is high in New Zealand). I peered down the street and saw a man and a woman. The woman was sitting on the side of the road while the guy stood near by. I suddenly felt compelled to walk toward the couple. I had no fear or sense of caution like other times. The young couple was having a silly argument out on the street. Alcohol was involved which exacerbated things, a gang was on the way to get involved, and the young 19-year-old woman's only choice of safety that night was to go sleep in the nearby park because she had no one else to call on. Even though I didn't know them or know their history, something in me felt safe in offering help. 

I was able to help calm down the arguing, invite them over to our place to escape the impending gang, and offer for them to stay a few nights in order to arrange different accommodation from where they had been currently crashing. I was tired myself, but felt the intervention was one of those God's timing moments. They took our offer. (Again, we don't normally take in strangers off the street but we felt a peace about this situation.) That particular night I slept horribly yet again and woke up completely shattered from the few hours I did manage. The last thing I felt able to do was serve, cook for and entertain this young couple, on top of taking care of my 6-month-old baby. But as I got ready for the day, I felt God remind me to lean into His strength, not my own. I realized that this was one of my lowest of low moments and He wanted to show me that I could still serve others even in extreme weakness. I literally had nothing to give of myself, but in Him, I knew I could somehow muster a smile and still serve them despite my desperate inner desire for someone to mother me in the midst of my exhaustion and discomfort.

I got through that day. And the couple stayed for about two weeks. In that time, the woman accepted Christ, devoured a Bible we gave her and was baptized. God used me despite of me, and He taught me how to unselfishly serve for His sake. We were able to speak into their lives over those two weeks, not only about God, about also about life and relationships in general. And in that time I also found some answers and healing from God for my personal struggles. I'll share about that another time. It was a memorable few weeks, where hospitality took on a whole other level. 

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The last several years for me have certainly been a lesson in 1 Peter 4:9 which says, "Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling". God knew what He was doing taking two introverts and putting them to the task of hospitality. He taught us that instead of shirking away from it (many times I wanted to quit hosting), to embrace what He wanted to teach us through it. What our guests probably never realize is that while we are opening our home, they are being used by God to smooth off our rough edges and teach us about ourselves.